Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Four Hundred Words a Day

This past March, I attended the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, a biannual workshop for humorists held at the University of Dayton, in Ohio. Approximately three hundred writers were gathered at Erma Bombeck’s alma mater, to attend sessions designed to help hone comedic writing skills, as well as socialize with other humor writers.

Erma Bombeck was the writer who not only inspired me to write, she also helped form a bridge of understanding between me and my mother. My mother was an avid reader of Erma Bombeck’s column, and her books. As my mother finished reading each of her works, I was waiting, eagerly, to devour Erma’s latest offering of humor, humor steeped in motherly experience, and at times, exasperation, Through her writings, I could see the struggle of motherhood was universal. I also realized that I should cut my mother (the mother of seven children), a little slack, for if three children had Erma on a roller coaster ride, my mother, the mother of seven children, was on an out of control tilt a whirl, with no off switch in sight.

But I digress. One thing I learned from the workshop, from the director himself, was that Erma Bombeck treated writing as a very serious profession, and that she would set aside time every day, to write at least 400 words a day. She did this daily, no excuses, no “writer’s block”; she and her typewriter had a standing daily date that was iron clad. Simply put, writing was a job and writer’s block was no excuse for failing to deliver the product.

Ten days after returning from the workshop, I had the surgery (and aftermath) that literally threw my world into a tailspin. I was tired, I was cranky, and I was definitely not feeling the desire to see the humor in anything. For several weeks, even sitting in front of my computer keyboard was a chore, for I was tethered to an electrical wound pump that was cumbersome and noisy.

The wound pump was eventually removed, yet still I only wrote when inspiration hit me. I figured, wrongly, that in the past 16 months, I had accumulated enough work to write a book. I gathered all my works, the product of my labor, and realized I had, max, 1/3 of a book.

That’s when inspiration really struck. The words of Time Bete, the workshop director, hit me, hard. Four hundred words a day. Had I stuck to that, I would have had two books worth of material.

Ten years after her premature passing, Erma Bombeck is still inspiring me. Four hundred words a day, that is my mantra. My first goal is to consistently produce the work. I can fret over making it funny after the initial product is delivered. Please wish me luck!

©2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.
My column at Savvy Women’s Magazine

Monday, July 10, 2006

I’m Losing Weight

Diana Ross I am not, but after stepping off the scale today, I am so happy, I could sing:

I’m losing weight
I want the world to know
Too bad it doesn’t show
I’m losing

The lost weight is probably all “water weight”, but as long as I weigh less today than I did yesterday, I’m happy. The doctor part of my persona keeps telling me “now Kathy, you know too rapid a weight loss isn’t healthy and could lead to health problems”. I’m not at all interested in that “know it all” part of me. The vain part of me, the part that wants to be a famous writer, the part of me that knows that being a famous writer means lots of public promotion of my work, she wants to look good and will take weight loss any way she can get it.

The current recommendation for effective weight loss is to reduce calories and increase exercise enough so that you lose 1 - 2 pounds per week. That is fine if you have a spare tire you need to lose. But for those of us who look as if we could be trying to smuggle someone under our one size fits all t-shirt and “could clothe a whole family with one pair” baggy jeans, one to two pounds per week lost seems barely a drop in the bucket.

I have lost weight before - sixty pounds over a six month period. After the weight loss, I had the first of two major surgeries. Thirty pounds came back after the surgery; the other thirty pounds came back with the progression of the endometriosis that was discovered with the first surgery - pain had me almost immobile.

I have figured that the reason I am losing basically a pound a day is that after all the forced rest, any exercise is going to result in some kind of weight loss. Combine that with a moderate, definitely not painful, change in my dietary habits, and the weight loss makes sense. I have added many more fruits and vegetables to my diet, and I eat a lot less meat. I do like dairy, and will substitute dairy for meat. I’ve even found some vegan dishes that I like (spaa Naturals Thai dinners - prepackaged, ready to serve, no preservatives, DELICIOUS).

Is it wrong that vanity is behind my desire to be healthier? Is it wrong that my motivation to become a leaner, more fit person is so that I don’t embarrass myself in public? Hell to the NO! If vanity is the only reason propelling me to exercise and make healthful food choices, I’ll say that the ends justify the motivation. I’ll embrace all the “isn’t it wonderful to lead a healthy lifestyle” rhetoric when others can see my weight loss, when it’s not just numbers on a scale. Until then, I’ll be losing weight, singing my Diana Ross at the top of my lungs, vanity leading me all the way to a leaner me!

©2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D. See my column at Savvy Women's Magazine - Kathy's Kaleidoscope

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I’ve Been Away For a While - Here’s Why

There has been a huge gap in my humor writing of late. This past February, I began a battery of medical tests that ended, on April 4th, 2006 in a total abdominal hysterectomy with oopherectomy. In other words, I was spayed. What should have been a relatively uncomplicated procedure was anything but routine.

A week after my surgery, I returned to the doctor’s office to have my surgical staples removed. The staples were removed, only to reveal that the incision had not healed - my skin and underlying tissue were open. I spent another five days in the hospital with IV antibiotics running, and three times daily wound changes (morphine, take me away) , until two days before discharge. A wound vacuum dressing was applied at that time, and I was discharged with a portable vacuum pump, with thrice weekly dressing changes by a visiting nurse.

I spent five weeks on the pump, with a one week break after the first dressing change (I lost approximately a unit of blood after the first dressing change - I had to beg my surgeon to let me leave the E.R.). I was physically and emotionally drained. The only inspiration I had regarded the vacuum pump that I was tethered to.

When I was finally delivered from the flatulence machine that was the vacuum pump, I had another three weeks of “no heavy lifting or exertion” until my incision totally healed. Wouldn't you know that the very DAY that I was able to go back to normal activities, I overdid it (I was chaperoning for my daughter’s school, as they attended a teen arts festival), with a small tear to the newly healed scar. Another few weeks of limited activity followed, with a minor case of the blues as a result. Writing humor just wasn’t something I could do with any sincerity.

I have been left with a rather interesting scar, as a result of having used the wound pump to speed healing of my open surgical wound. As a result, the front of me looks a lot like the back of me. Now, having a set of frontal buttocks is not a welcome addition to my anatomy, but it has inspired me to write. The only way I can handle this large, disfiguring scar is to find the humor and write about it, until I can have the scar excised. There are a lot of columns to be written, and many pounds to lose, before that happens.

©2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.

Please visit my monthly humor column : Kathy's Kaleidoscope