tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149580552011-04-21T20:22:02.086-04:00Life musings of a wife, mother and physician masquerading as a freelance humorist.Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.comBlogger291100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-78785389196579456192009-01-06T12:59:00.000-05:002009-01-06T13:00:47.295-05:00

It's amazing how little I blog. I've gotta change that.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-88598814250484956902008-04-30T18:20:00.001-04:002008-04-30T18:22:14.549-04:00

Yessireebob, I wrote a book. Details to follow.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-56898046198811658242007-09-14T14:05:00.000-04:002007-09-14T14:13:46.704-04:00

If God closes a door, he opens a window, or so I'm told. I have a door that's about to close, and darn it, if the windows aren't already nailed shut! I wonder - should I be looking for a crawl space?

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-31503712332559671362007-09-14T13:44:00.000-04:002007-09-14T13:58:50.124-04:00

Two weeks ago, my family and I made our yearly trip to Dorney Park & Wildwater Kingdom®. My family enjoyed the rides while I carried stuff, but that's another story.My son was begging for someone to accompany him on "The Dominator". This ride takes the riders atop a very high tower, then hurtles them back to earth. The riders bounce up and down repeatedly until the ride comes to stop. Riders

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-30239100728023434482007-09-11T12:32:00.000-04:002007-09-11T12:40:09.960-04:00

I spent a month in Stuttgart, Germany as an exchange student. On May 10th, 1979, it was pouring rain as I said a tearful goodbye to my host family. My host mother told me "the angels cry when good people leave us", that was the reason for the rain.It is pouring rain outside my window, ten miles away from Ground Zero, this September 11, 2007. Six years have passed since thousands of innocent

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-45160165658337716612007-08-28T16:13:00.000-04:002007-08-28T16:20:30.959-04:00

Ombrology - nounThe rigorous academic study of really happening dudes.Paris Hilton's been through so many fiances that Harvard University has granted her an honorary doctorate in Ombrology.©2007 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D., all rights reserved

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1165939393358630882006-12-12T10:52:00.000-05:002006-12-12T11:29:20.230-05:00

If it takes six hard thrusts of the plunger to unstop the loo -and the plunger ALMOST breaks.......you're eating too much fiber.Okay, about Britney Spears - everyone else is talking about her, why shouldn't I?I've studied Anatomy textbooks with less detail than her recent "Southern Exposures". While it is of mild professional interest that Ms Brit had a low transverse cesarean incision, I didn't

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1160785932855639292006-10-13T20:28:00.000-04:002006-10-13T20:32:12.866-04:00

This evening, I slipped on my tile floor and landed in a perfect Russian split. Note that I am 43 years old, I am not a gymnast, and I am most definitely NOT petite. I am the last person on earth that should be performing such a stunt.OUCH just doesn't give justice to the total pain experience that was that unplanned physical feat.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1157996354424965702006-09-11T13:37:00.000-04:002006-09-11T17:22:47.973-04:00

September 11, 2001, Bergen County, NJ before the first tower was hit:I walked with my son, then in second grade, to a school function at the nearby college which featured the NJ Knicks basketball team. Pictures were to be taken, and I was looking forward to seeing him in the local newspaper. It was a beautiful day, the sky was a deep blue, with not a cloud in sight. Ten miles from Manhattan,

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1157561396803104982006-09-06T12:40:00.000-04:002006-09-06T12:54:00.653-04:00

While my children were toiling away at school, I was ordering my very first laptop computer. Here it is, in all it's glory : Kathy's Dream MachineThis little beauty has all I need to actually get out of the house, observe life, and WRITE!Hurray for portability, mobility, and tons of new material!HELLO LIFE, BYE BYE FRIDGE TEMPTATION AND TELEVISION! To my children, I say : This is the first day

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1157491222718476932006-09-05T17:16:00.000-04:002006-09-05T17:20:22.736-04:00

My daughter and I will be buying new jeans for her on Thursday (school starts tomorrow, we bought her a ton of new shirts - oops, forgot the jeans, and she's growing like a weed)I mentioned to her she would look good in Lee Rider® jeans, and she shoots back "low riders"?I said "It's school, hon, not a singles bar".Yep, I've become my mother.©2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.Savvy Women's Magazine -

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1157378640951545412006-09-04T10:03:00.000-04:002006-09-04T10:48:40.366-04:00

Australian naturalist and crocodile conservationist Steve Irwin died today, after being stung by a stingray.My children have watched Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter, since they were tiny children. His passionate love for wildlife had a tremendous impact on them, they are both avid animal lovers. My son, in particular, has become quite the conservation-minded young man, and I have to

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1156375279641531002006-08-23T18:58:00.000-04:002006-08-23T19:33:44.246-04:00

I was enjoying my first morning cup of coffee, when I noticed that my dog was frantically pawing at one of my shoes. I tried shooing him away from said shoe, but he was determined. I realized I'd have to get up from my chair, to deliver the "no shoe" message up close and personal. Only when I got to where my shoe and my dog were locked in mortal combat, I realized there was a dog treat in my shoe

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1154476642149718952006-08-01T19:53:00.000-04:002006-08-02T07:50:05.973-04:00

Hot flashes suck.That's all. Carry on.Savvy Women's Magazine - Kathy's Kaleidoscope

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1153266215205262152006-07-18T19:40:00.000-04:002006-07-18T19:51:47.260-04:00

Have you ever been so tiredSleepy, grumpy, uninspiredThat when 'twas time to awakenYou almost needed be shaken?If you have, I feel your painBut I really should not complainFor at least I am still talkingAnd not aimlessly sleepwalkingThese days, of all things I hold dearI have to make it crystal clearMy love for life would be waist deepIf I could only get some sleepYou say you love me, show it

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1153161529840080332006-07-17T14:35:00.000-04:002006-07-17T14:38:49.856-04:00

I sometimes have a difficult time balancing my parenting responsibilities for my children. Both children are artistic, intelligent, inquisitive, and rather sensitive. Oh yes, and they both have the attention spans of distracted wolverines. One child with all those qualities can try one’s patience. Two such “high impact” children, well, that there is a challenge. I often feel as if I am just

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1152641018949830862006-07-11T14:00:00.000-04:002006-07-11T20:52:58.630-04:00

This past March, I attended the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, a biannual workshop for humorists held at the University of Dayton, in Ohio. Approximately three hundred writers were gathered at Erma Bombeck’s alma mater, to attend sessions designed to help hone comedic writing skills, as well as socialize with other humor writers.Erma Bombeck was the writer who not only inspired me to write, she

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1152537273224686932006-07-10T09:12:00.000-04:002006-07-10T10:47:13.630-04:00

Diana Ross I am not, but after stepping off the scale today, I am so happy, I could sing:I’m losing weightI want the world to knowToo bad it doesn’t showI’m losingThe lost weight is probably all “water weight”, but as long as I weigh less today than I did yesterday, I’m happy. The doctor part of my persona keeps telling me “now Kathy, you know too rapid a weight loss isn’t healthy and could lead

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1152490608359878282006-07-09T20:15:00.000-04:002006-07-09T20:26:14.143-04:00

There has been a huge gap in my humor writing of late. This past February, I began a battery of medical tests that ended, on April 4th, 2006 in a total abdominal hysterectomy with oopherectomy. In other words, I was spayed. What should have been a relatively uncomplicated procedure was anything but routine.A week after my surgery, I returned to the doctor’s office to have my surgical staples

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1140186694056963642006-02-17T09:29:00.000-05:002006-02-17T09:35:22.613-05:00

Clear liquids, Oh yes, you can brew themBut you can't eat or lick or chew themI'm so hungry, this I swearI may eat clean underwearFor it is not upon the listOf foods, today that must be missedSo, think of me while you savorFoods with texture and with flavorAnd as you eat, I'll shed a tearFor all the food that I hold dear©2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1129116535752290122005-10-12T07:14:00.000-04:002005-10-12T11:55:01.166-04:00

There's no hope, No holding it inI give upYo cows - you win!Beam me up, Moozy!Bovine Queens Invade My DreamsNo matter what I Do it seemsBovines will Invade my dreamsBe it day or Be it nightCows are everIn my sightSomeone help mePretty please I’ll even share someOf my cheese Twinkle, Twinkle Dairy CowTwinkle, twinklePretty cowQueen of DairyTake a bowFrom your udderMilk we squeezeAnd from that

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1129067915805617102005-10-11T17:56:00.000-04:002005-10-11T17:58:35.810-04:00

Bovines on the BrainPlease, oh dear LordHelp me nowMy brain’s embracingAll things cow!Spotted cushionsValve tranplantsEven mooingUnderpants.Sirloin steakAnd cottage cheeseStop the mad cowsPretty please?©2005 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1129040063744834082005-10-11T10:12:00.000-04:002005-10-11T16:39:00.096-04:00

Heaven help me if a book of bovine poetry becomes my first published book.Line Dancing HoovesPlease, can someone Tell me nowHow to square dance With a cow?Swing those uddersTo and froWatch the bovineDo-si-do.Please be carefulWhere you danceBovines don’t wearUnderpants.©2005 Kathleen M . Wooton, M.D.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1128991735312877222005-10-10T20:44:00.000-04:002005-10-11T16:41:18.066-04:00

I wrote this for a messageboard I frequent. I guess it's obvious, even to the most casual observer, that I'm not a poet. Oh well.Enjoy.My Milky FriendsCows are friendlyCows are sweetTheir udders squirtA tasty treatMilk them, Milk themIf you pleaseTake that milk andMake some cheeseLove them cows withAll your might'Cause cow's milk cheeseIs OUTTA SIGHT!©2005 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1127482374207271732005-09-23T09:31:00.000-04:002005-09-23T09:34:45.290-04:00

My family and I were in the car, on the way to an appointment. We were discussing what makes words funny. I told them that my writing teacher had told me that some words are inherently funny, like the word puppet. We all agreed puppet was indeed a funny word. We quickly discovered that many words starting with the letter “p” are funny. Soon we were constructing sentences, trying to outdo

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1123716976506005602005-08-10T19:32:00.000-04:002005-08-10T19:36:16.513-04:00

Here's my first published piece - I hope you enjoy it!

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1123711873594115292005-08-10T18:09:00.000-04:002005-08-10T18:13:28.786-04:00

I am one of millions of Americans who are overweight. I have tried dieting, and two years ago, I even lost over fifty pounds. Unfortunately, like so many others who have had major weight loss, I have regained almost all of it, mostly over the past year. I am a physician. I counsel patients regarding diet and exercise. Yet, here I am, significantly overweight, feeling just as frustrated and

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1123598183971846772005-08-09T10:35:00.000-04:002005-08-23T09:06:34.426-04:00

Peter Jennings died of lung cancer yesterday. Dana Reeve, the widow of Christopher Reeve, a young woman in her forties, has just announced that she has lung cancer. A luminary in television journalism has been extinguished too soon, from a disease caused by years of cigarette smoking, and a young mother and widow is now waging war against a killer. That his death, and her disease, were

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14958055.post-1123466322540549282005-08-07T21:58:00.000-04:002005-08-07T22:10:26.180-04:00

The video gaming system, a.k.a. THE CUBE. My son had been begging and pleading for it for months. I had held out for as long as I could, for I knew he would be hopelessly addicted to that sucker the moment he lifted it from the box. My husband decided it was high time for our son to join the new millennium, so for his eleventh birthday, it arrived. Well, a gaming system is nothing without

Kathy Wootonnoreply@blogger.com0